Imagining A Future With You
by elizaward
Summary: This one shot explores the story of Hannah and Clay at Jessica's party - what could have happened that night if they had both acted differently? Please see rating before reading.


**This is a one shot. I'm hoping this will help fill that void for the Hannah and Clay shippers out there. I was heartbroken that they didn't essentially "get together" so this is my alternative take on what could have happened.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the story. Simply inspired by the novel as well as the Netflix Original Series.**

CLAY

I knew Hannah would be going to Jessica's party. Although I failed to pluck up the courage to actually ask her out to the party as my date, I was still stoked that she would be there. I felt like things were picking up between us – I felt like we were both aware that something could happen between us. Our conversations after work felt further than just friends. Yet why is it so difficult just to say something? I think she's great, I really do. I've even changed outfits like three times just to try and find the right one to impress her. Here's to hoping that my blue shirt and chinos do exactly that.

HANNAH

I got ready for Jessica's party and put on the best smile I could. Little did I know that a few things would happen that night. I was so happy you invited me. Not as happy as I would have been if you'd actually asked me out to the party, but knowing you wanted to see me there filled me with some happiness – a happiness that maybe you and I could be further than friends, if one of us could find the courage to take the conversation to the next level. I was scared to walk in alone, worried that everyone would be staring at me or the ridiculous comments would start once again. But I was greeted with my name being chanted. "Hannah, Hannah, Hannah". I almost felt welcomed, and liked again. And then _we_ made eye contact. But you walked away? Straight away? What did _I_ do? When _you_ invited me. I didn't really want to come anyway. Everyone who has my life miserable would be in attendance here.

CLAY

I freaked out. I saw her. She saw me. I think we both knew that tonight could be the night that we take the plunge and become more than friends. But my truly awkward self couldn't face that. I had to walk away and go home, even though I desperately wanted to say hello, and tell you how great you looked and how happy I was for you turning up.

HANNAH

I had perched myself on the edge of one of the sofas. I had no one to talk to. After all, Clay had walked away as soon as he saw me. Did he not want to talk to me? Did he invite me out of feeling sorry for me? Did I not look ok? My mum had told me I looked great. The awkwardness of sitting down, with no one to talk to was really starting to get to me; maybe I should just go home? I'm not wanted here. And then I saw you again, walking towards me through the crowd of teenagers dancing. I felt like I didn't know what to say to you. We've spoken hundreds of times before, but I felt frozen. My voice trapped. I was so happy you were finally coming over to talk to me, and yet I couldn't express it.

"Hey"

"Hey!" Finally, words.

"You're there on the couch?"

"So I am." I smiled at you.

"I mean, you came after all?"

"I was feeling rebellious". More like, I knew I wanted to see you Clay. I knew that you invited me for a reason. So please, give me a reason to stay. Please don't walk away again. Please just talk to me and make this worthwhile.

We ended up chatting about hypothetical homework situations, and how you owed me a drink. You didn't bring your bike like you'd promised. But. I felt comfortable, and happy. I felt secure being around you. I loved the conversation. You made it so easy. You eased my nerves like no one else could.

CLAY

The conversation had been great. We removed ourselves from the kitchen when it got a bit rowdy. I offered her my hand, to lead the way. To hold our beings together, and not allow us to lose one another now that we've finally made some progress. I held her hand to reassure her, knowing that she wasn't comfortable around all these people. I wish some of the partygoers hadn't got in the way, and prevented our hands from holding. Maybe that's why it went wrong later on?

HANNAH

This is the part where I started to freak out. Both good and bad. We had moved from the kitchen to the garden, but it was just as rowdy. We couldn't talk without anyone butting in. You suggested that we go upstairs, and talk in private, and escape from the rest of the partygoers. Our hands touched without any interference as you led me up the stairs. I wanted to go upstairs with you so badly. I wanted to freely dance up the stairs with you in confidence, but my mind was always holding me back.

I remember opening up and telling you how Jessica and I had been friends. You didn't even know. But, we were making small talk. We both must have been aware that we couldn't spend the remainder of the party making small talk and playing with stones in Jessica's bedroom. But then it happened.

"I like the name Hannah." You smiled, and I smiled back in response.

"I like the name Clay." And that's where you leant in and kissed me. Finally. I felt like I had been waiting for this moment forever. I had been yearning for you to kiss me. I wish so much that you had been my first kiss. I wish that my past wasn't always in the back of my mind. I wish that I wasn't so anxious and scared. I wish that I had been as brave as you, I wish that I had just kissed you long ago. Maybe I wouldn't be in the situation that I am in now. But I felt so happy with you pressed against me. We paused for a second and our eyes met. We knew this felt right.

At that moment, everything was perfect.

And for the first time, in a long time, I could imagine a future where I was happy. That's all thanks to you, Clay. I know you felt it too. I could sense it. You were so happy, and this made me so happy.

Things were moving quickly, "Is this okay?"

"More than okay." I was beaming, as I took off my jacket, whilst you unbuttoned your shirt. I felt so consumed by you. I wanted you to do everything that you were doing. I don't understand why my mind suddenly took me somewhere else.

CLAY

"What happened? I thought it was okay?" What had I done to this poor girl. I felt so confused. I thought she wanted me to do this. I wanted to do this. I thought we both were happy. I thought we were having a lovely evening. I thought me and Hannah were meant to be together.

"Leave me alone! Just leave me alone Clay. You should go." You were asking me to leave. You didn't want to see me again. I kept asking you questions, as I put my shirt back on. Trying to find out what I did wrong. Tears were streaming down your face, and I couldn't understand why. Why would you not just tell me? What was happening to you that made loving me so hard? "Get the fuck out". I very nearly left after you said that. It felt so real, like you actually wanted me to leave. I had to persevere. Something inside me said you didn't actually want me to go. You were so fragile, so emotional and yet still beautiful all at the same time. I knew I had to stay. You had turned yourself away from me, hiding with your face looking out the window. I went up behind you and gently put my hand on your shoulders, hoping that you wouldn't push me off. And you didn't.

"Hannah." You started crying. "Hannah. I'm not going."

"You don't want to be with me Clay."

"I do. I really do!" You turned around and looked at me. I sat on the bed, with my body touching yours.

"You know what people will say?"

"No I don't."

"Because it's easy for you, isn't it. Because you're not the class slut." I felt heartbroken that you felt this way. Why did you feel this way? You're beautiful. You're perfect. You're the girl I want to be with.

"Don't say that." And then you brought up _that_ picture. I didn't ever believe you were a slut. Not for a second. "I was angry. For a minute. Because I was jealous of Justin. I was mad at you for wanting him and not me." I could feel tears prickling my eyes. Why couldn't you see how much you meant to me?

HANNAH

I felt so ashamed. I felt so embarrassed and emotional. Why did I have to bring up _that_ picture, when I was with you, Clay. Why couldn't my mind let me be free for a minute, so I could revel in your company. You're great. You're a wonderful guy. I wanted to be with you so badly. I really did. All I needed was you.

"I've been through so much Clay. I wanted to do this with you, more than you'll ever know. I've been hurt so many times. I'm so worried that it'll happen again. I'm no good for you." You moved your hands, and placed them on to each of my thighs. It was comforting.

"I'm not going anywhere, Hannah." I started to cry even more. "I'm not leaving you." The tears were falling down my face. "I'll never hurt you." I knew you meant it. You really meant it. Your tears proved it. You were staring in to my eyes and I could see how you felt about me. You used your finger and gently brushed a few of the tears away from my face. And then you said it. You confirmed it. "I love you, Hannah. I do. I think I've loved you for a while. I'm so sorry it took me so long. I'm hopeless and awkward and I didn't know how to say it. But I've said it now. Please believe me. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. I do love you." I looked at you. Considering getting up, and walking out. But I didn't. Suddenly my mind had freed me and was letting me be me. Letting me relax in your lovely company. Letting me come to the realisation, that I felt the same. And I think I had felt the same for a while.

"I love you too." We both smiled, still with tears down our blotchy faces, completely oblivious to everyone else downstairs, and fell into each other once more. You kissed me passionately and I kissed you back as equally passionately. I felt so happy. You were so perfect and understanding. I had just had a meltdown before we made love, and yet you were still here. You were listening and you hadn't walked out, even when I shouted at you. You knew what I needed and what I wanted. And so we made love. You looked at me when we paused for breath and waited for me to say something. "This is still okay, Clay. I'm okay. As long as you're okay."

"This is still very okay with me." You kissed my neck, and I tilted my head back in response. You smelt so great, so comforting, and safe. I fumbled about trying to unbutton your shirt once more. And then we got braver. You moved your hands to the bottom of my t shirt and I let you take it off. I felt so exposed, in my bra, but I was fine. I was happy and confident and so ready to explore this with you. You smiled in appreciation and then we both stood up. And we undressed ourselves further. We both smiled again. Appreciating each other for who we were. And we took ourselves back to that bed. We got under the cover, to protect ourselves from the unknown, and kept to ourselves under the duvet cover. You were looking down at me and kissed me on my lips once more, as you presented a condom, which made this all so much more real. I wrapped my hands around your head and caressed with your hair for a few more seconds before we really took it to the next level. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Yes, Clay. Really ready." You smiled again, and then we engaged in to something that felt so right. It felt so natural and easy. No awkwardness. Nothing of the sort. It was right. It felt like a dream. It was comforting and it was beautiful. I stroked your hair in appreciation. I kissed your arms. You kissed my lips. My face. You made sure I was ok. You communicated with me. You gently touched me, and held me. I felt safe and protected. I wanted this state of mind to go on forever. I want to always feel safe from my thoughts and previous experiences. I want to always feel safe in your arms. I want to feel your lovely, kind face. I want to always kiss your soft lips. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be the care free me that I really am. And in that moment, everything was perfect.

And once more, for the first time in a long time, I could now imagine a future, with you, where I was happy. And I know you felt the exact same way too.


End file.
